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A Tale of Two Cults

The problem is that the mommy wars portray women’s life choices as conforming to one of two mutually exclusive, weighty ideas: the cult of the career and cult of domesticity. Combative rhetoric propagates the idea that once you’ve chosen the latter you are forever bound to it, and if you’ve chosen the former, you’re obligated to devote yourself slavishly to that cult through your younger years until you are completely established.

The career cult mentality leads to some odd prioritizing. Reading through the profiles of childless women in articles about Hewlett’s research, I was struck by the choices some women had made after being sucked in by the cult of the career. For instance, one woman billed herself as “director of marketing at a luxury hotel.” She could have had children in her thirties, but instead of making that happen, she devoted herself primarily to work, and once she reached her forties, realized having children might no longer be possible. The cult of the career misses a fundamental point: Work exists to pay the bills. It can also be challenging and interesting, but everyone’s primary goal should be a fulfilling life—not climbing the corporate hierarchy just because it’s there.

But we also make a mistake in billing domesticity as a cult you can never leave. Out of financial necessity, working class women have always found ways to combine the care of small children and work outside the home. So high-achieving, wealthier women can do the same—through freelancing, telecommuting, part-time work, and husbands who share equal childcare responsibilities. The cult of domesticity implies that once women have children, they lose all interests outside the home, except for cute ones like charity boards and bridge clubs. This is a demeaning picture that’s never been true.

Sequencing to a Complete Life

So how about the more modern notion of “sequencing”—women shifting back and forth between different stages of their lives? One sequencing support group, “Mothers & More” (which my sister- in-law participates in) defines this as moving in and out of paid employment and opting for a variety of flexible work arrangements in order to balance work and family. It could work like this: Go to school or work for a while (my sister-in-law has a Ph.D. in chemistry); raise kids for a while, perhaps while freelancing or consulting part-time to maintain outside interests; then incorporate work back into your life in a way that meets your own and your family’s needs.

to be continued…